In the meantime I continued to wrestle with my innate drive to have things just right, meet schedules
on time, fulfill all my responsibilities, etc., etc. In the process I know I stepped on some toes, hurt feelings,
and never stopped to ask the question "Who is really in charge of my life?"
Of course that's because I thought I knew the answer. Me. But dumb me didn't know the answer.
Looking back I felt as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, trying to do my absolute best. But ... my best was
not good enough.
My GE department in Pittsfield was reorganized out of existence and all the managers were suddenly looking for jobs.
I had never been without a job since I was fourteen, so this was a new experience for me. And it went on for six months.
I did all the right things, sent out hundreds of resumes with creative cover letters, networked with friends and colleagues.
desperation I prayed "God, I just can't do this by myself. I need your help." This time there was no strong hand grabbing my
shoulder, but I did hear a quiet murmur of "Finally, you're opening my door".
A few days later I received a letter in the mail from the CEO of Raytheon. He wrote he did not have a job for me, but was
taking the liberty of sending my resume on to a friend of his who was the CEO of ITE-Imperial. Three weeks later I was VP of Corporate Planning
for ITE with a substantial jump in income. I stayed on until I moved to Florida, through three acquisitions, ending up as VP of Engineering for BBC Brown Boveri
North America. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.
The real point though is that after acknowledging my inability to do it all by myself,
I have grown in my trust to rest secure in the arms of the Lord and talk with Him on a regular basis. It's been a tough battle and I'm still sometimes tempted to back-slide into individual self-reliance, but I'm winning more and more.
So who's in charge of my life? God is, for sure. He expects me to do my part, but I now do so with the assurance He sustains and guides me in all that I do, regardless of the eventual outcome. I feel blessed in that assurance.
"See! I will not forget you ...I have carved you on the palm of my hand. ....Isaiah 49:15